Room to Breathe

Barnacle Bill’s Home Pregnancy Test:

 Ahoy, Maties!
  If the water turns blue, a baby for you!
  If purple ye see, no baby thar be!
  If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!

  Marge: Barnacle Bill’s Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn’t we have gone with a better-known brand?

  Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe!

(more…)

I just realized this afternoon, that someone STOLE my barbeque! WTF?! They climbed up to my second story balcony, and took my barbeque!

I’m not out on my balcony enough to notice, and I keep my blinds shut most of the time because my perverted neighbour one day told me he can see me in my apartment. Not knowing what he was seeing, I opted to keep the blinds closed. So it was only today I happened to look up and notice that I had a bag of charcoal, lighter fluid, but no barbeque! I’m not even sure how long it’s been missing. A month?

The barbeque was cheap, that’s not why I’m upset. I just feel a little invaded knowing that someone was on my balcony.

When did this happen? Was I home? Was I sleeping? Did they peep through the cracks in my blinds and watch me? And why wouldn’t they take the charcoal and lighter fluid?

Tomorrow I am going to buy some barb wire and wrap my balcony in it. Surprised the next invader will be.

I’m not trying to play “woe is me”, but to add to my shitty September, my period is late. I’m 28 days. 14 to ovulate and 5 to…complete. Regular, regular, regular.

I can’t be sure that the spotting during my earlier illness this month has something to do with this, and perhaps God gave me September off….but we’re at 35 days, and I am starting to worry.

My boyfriend gave me the thumbs up and a smile when I told him. Two years ago I wouldn’t have had the same response from him.

But wtf? I can’t have a baby!

1) I haven’t met his parents (yaya. I know. We’ve been together in some form for 8+ years, and I still haven’t.). I don’t want to meet his mom AFTER getting pregnant. She’s going to hate me for sure!

“Hey ma? This is my girlfriend that I have had in my secret life for 8 years. She’s not Italian, she’s not Catholic, oh and she’s pregnant with my baby.”

2) I have lived in the same apartment for 8 years, and I have “$0″ extra money and can barely support myself! Yes my boyfriend once had a good job, but he’s got his own company now, and another one with partnership, and things are tight.
3) I AM NOT MARRIED!

But I’ve talked to my mom, she’s fine with the idea. In fact I think she wants me to be pregnant. Good God I’m old enough, and she wants a grandchild! It’s not like I’m 16 and this would ruin my life. It’s something I always wanted. I just thought the rest of my life would be perfect before having children.

I asked mom when I should take a pregnancy test, and her response was: “Well, is the answer going to change anything? You wouldn’t abort right? Then what does it matter? Wait a few more weeks.”

Well sure, but I want to know! I don’t want to wait for anything!

Seriously. What a fucking horrible month.

- My brother got married on September 3rd - Happy
- I babysat my niece with my mom for 3 days after the wedding - Fun
- I (and the rest of the wedding party including my boyfriend) got sick from the 7th until the 16th - awful
- My aunt had a stroke on the 21st - speechless

I asked my mom (it’s my dad’s sister) if I was weird because the fact that she had a stroke and was lying in a coma in the hospital wasn’t really bothering me. Mom said that it was probably because she was still with us, and it hadn’t sunk in. I guess she was right. It just felt like she was sick, and needed special care. As though she’d come home in a few weeks, and resume life as normal.

I was there for my dad, my cousins and my aunts. I felt like I had no soul because I didn’t even cry. I didn’t know what to say to her lying in bed. The tubes didn’t bother me, nor the giant scar on her head from where they cut her scalp and took out the bone to get to her brain. None of this bothered me. I was just there for everyone else. My cousin (her son) made jokes and was trying to be realistic. It’s almost like he was giving himself early closure. Was I the only one that hadn’t written her off?

They did a scan and discovered where the bleeds were coming from in her brain, and were able to put 3 clips in to stop the bleeding. They left the part of her skull off to allow for swelling, and they said she was at risk for the next 2 weeks of having another stroke after the surgery.

Last night about 2AM she had another stroke.

My aunt passed away this evening at about 5PM EST. She was 56. I can’t stop crying.

I’m off to see a taping of The Red Green Show, staring Steve Smith as Red Green, and Patrick McKenna as cousin nephew Harold Green.

It’s their last season, and the ad on the radio for tickets said:

Hi it’s Red Green here to let you know tickets to be part of our studio audience during production are now available.

Since it’s our last season, we’ve had to put the price of tickets up.

So they’re still free.

If you find that mildly funny, then you’re our type of people and will probably enjoy the show.

I’ve never been a fan, but I’d be a bad Canadian if I didn’t know what Possum Lodge was or all the uses of Duct Tape.

I’m not dead. Seriously. I was sick. Now I’m just busy. Regular posting will return soon. I promise.

I’m sick. Every muscle, bone and joint in my body hurts. I have a fever. I’m cold with the shakes; I’m hot with the sweats.

It’s taking all my energy just to write this…..

My brother got married last night. We just got home. 4:30PM.

Busy day yesterday (UNDER exaggerating), and late night last night. Again, UNDER exaggerating.

In the last 2 days I’ve witnessed and created enough stories to write about for the next year!

I’d love to write more now while it’s still fresh, but I’m exhausted physically and requiring a nap if I am ever going to be human again. Besides, my contacts are bothering me. Makeup got under the lens and my vision has been blurred since 2AM this morning.

One thing that can be said, it was the best wedding anyone could have asked for. Far exceeding my expectations with presentation, and my fears of inter-mixed divorced parents and families were abolished. My mom actually sat next to my dad’s girlfriend, my dad went and sat with my mom’s family who he hasn’t spoken to since the divorce 13 years ago, and my neurotic cousin didn’t cause scenes!

Just one thing to say…are you going to finish that?

{More to come soon…}

Jane from Jane loves Tarsan commented yesterday saying that she’s never had a pedicure, and wondered what that entails.

First, you’ve got to get over someone touching your feet. They don’t care, because if they did, they wouldn’t do it! My problem is I’m ticklish. When I sometimes twitch, I see them smile.

Over the years, I have had a few pedicures. Not as many or as often as I would like, but enough to know what happens. I try for one a year.

So Jane, this ones for you:

I went to a Nail Salon yesterday. You know the ones that do acrylic or gel nails? Well often they do pedicures and waxing too. I’ve been to the Spa’s that charge $60 and truthfully, the cheaper places tend to do a better job; IMO. The extra money is spent on nicer moisturizers, which I couldn’t care less about, and aromatherapy, which I could care even less about. So the cheaper places don’t offer me a cappuccino and have ambient music playing. Big deal. All I want is my callused heels scraped, my cuticles trimmed, and my nails filed. Plus it’s nice to sit and soak your feet every now and then.

Well I arrive, and she tells to pick a nail colour off the wall. So that I don’t have to walk with wet clean feet over to the wall when she’s finished my pedicure and ready to paint my nails.

Then it begins. I stick my feet in the water to soak (you sit in this elevated leather chair attached to a basin with jets. It’s very relaxing). The water usually has some aromatic soap, or in this case I think she just used Epsom Salts.

The girl sitting below you on a stool then asks for a foot (or in this case, since she doesn’t speak English, she motions for me to give her a foot). She uses a razor (I actually have this tool. It’s great!) and shaves your calluses.

Switch feet. Return to soaking the one, and getting the other shaved.

Then she used some sort of pumice to sand, and cuticles trimmers to push back and cut the cuticles.

A quick cut of your nails, sometimes they just need to be filed, and that’s pretty much it!

The procedure is followed my a rub with moisturizer (I got a massage right up my calf!) and then she paints your toes.

That’s it!

I confess that I feel strange having someone fuss and slave over me, but it’s nice to feel like a princess every once and awhile.

For a list of good home pedicure supplies, check out Tweezerman.